ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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