So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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