Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
