We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize