smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
