Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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