At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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