i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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