the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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