I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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