So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
