You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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