ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
