it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There's even glitter on my cock...
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