tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
