On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
