I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
love makes seman taste better
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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