Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
