someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
