Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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