I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Are my feet made of real feet?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
