You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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