The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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