He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
