it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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