this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just tell him i said nine months
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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