On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize