On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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