theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
