Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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