I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
