I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize