So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
