You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You're so nebulous sometimes
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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