Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
