So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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