Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
