I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
