i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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