Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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