theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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