anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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