If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i think i have two assholes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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