I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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