he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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