someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
