not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize