come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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