Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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