someone threw a dead crab at me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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