Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
