Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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