she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
