I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
