the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
