The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Boobs are out for the taking
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
