At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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