yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
