She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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