you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
